Let's be realistic here

I stumbled upon this yesterday. I bought an Oats N Honey Gronola Bar and a package of vending salami.



I ate them together, as one.



And it's PERFECT because both packages come with TWO units. Two granola bars, two salami sticks. The taste when combined is great, and you're getting the filling power of granola mixed with the delicious processed salami (NOT TO MENTION THE WHOLE SWEET N SALTY THING GOIN ON RIGHT??).

It's really stupid of me to post this because it's a great idea and some guy from the food industry is gonna find my blog, steal the idea, and present it to his boss who will present it to his boss and on and on until they are selling OAT AND HONEY GRANOLA BAR WITH SALAMI CENTER.

15 Movies That Either Touched You, Stuck With You, or That You Remembered For Some Strange Reason or Others

A friend had this up on facebook.

1. Planet of the Dinosaurs - First movie I can clearly remember watching over and over. It is very bad. The music in the movie still unsettles me.

2. Batman (Tim Burton) - The first movie to cause psychosis in me as a child. I don't remember, but I am told that I would wear makeshift capes, speak as little as possible, and never smile. I have no memories of this, though I do have pictures from a birthday party where I'm wearing a cape and grimmacing, even while blowing out the candles.

3. Aliens/Predator - This is a double whammy. First seen at the age of 5 or 6, the cause of my first nightmare. In the nightmare I wake up and see a dead face hugger next to my bed. Predator was much easier for me to handle.

4. Conan the Barbarian - The second movie to cause psychosis in me as a child. This is definitely the movie that has "touched me, stuck with me, or that I remembered for some strange reason or others". I remember pretending to push the "wheel of pain" around the living room for the amusement of guests. I began to realize my sense of worth.

5. Robocop/Total Recall - Both are Verhoven movies, and I was shown both of them very close to each other. Filled a similar territory in my head, but both movies I was obsessed with. Also, both movies feature incredible soundtracks!

6. Army of Darkness - Watched this over and over on STARZ! I was still pretty young when I watched this, but I think it was the first time I felt "aware" of it being a movie that people worked on and made.

7. The Shadow - I am talking about 1994's "The Shadow" starring Alec Baldwin. I loved the movie a lot; a great deal of my enthusiasm stemmed from the soundtrack, which was the first soundtrack I listened to of my own accord.

8. My Neighbor Totoro - I thought at first it was surely some stupid kids movie, but ended being completely absorbed into a Hayao Miyazaki phase.

9. Pulp Fiction - Pulp Fiction blew my little 12 year old head off. Probably the first time I ever felt transformed after watching a movie. Head was spinning for years.

10. Fight Club - It's easy for a teenage boy to go completely apeshit for this movie. I did, all my friends too. We made our own fight clubs, watched the movie on the regular, and read all of Chuck Palahniuk's books. Hard to consider watching it again because I know it so well.

11. Once Upon A Time In America/The West - My dad, the man I have to thank for having shown me so many of my favorite movies, tried unsuccessfully to get me into Sergio Leone at the age of 11ish. It didn't work. Later on, after Pulp Fiction and Fight Club, he tried again and I realized what a fool I was.

12. Blue Velvet - Oh man. I can get drunk just by watching this movie.

13. 8 1/2 - Woo boy. This movie came out of nowhere for me. It was shown to me once, I knew I liked it. I couldn't stop thinking about it 8 or 9 months later and went out and bought it. Since then, I've become a real pretentious mother fucker and consider Fellini one of my favorite directors.

14. A History of Violence - The most recent movie on this list... it's so ridiculously good.

15. Because I Said So - I'm not sure why. It definitely affected me, and I can only assume it's because of
A- The Title
B- Diane Keaton
C- The scene where Diane Keaton can't work a computer and ends up being all over some porn websites.
D- Mandy Moore being a huge slut by dating 2 guys at the same time and banging both of them in a bizarre montage sequence.
E- I felt I had completely lost touch with humanity and myself after I finished watching it.

MORON FILM REVIEW - CITIZEN KANE

Citizen Kane is a movie that has been heralded for the ages since it was released in 1941. Orson Welles is one of the most famous directors because his first film was also his best, and the best of all time. He also drank too much in his older age, causing him a myriad of health and social problems related to alcoholism.

The film itself, which takes place in old timey America, is about a man, Charles Foster Kane, who is dying on his deathbed and says "rosebud". He is famous so everyone wants to find out what rosebud meant.

The movie itself is very great, with incredible photography and meticulous characters, and also some flashback cut scenes to add art. Something else I really liked was the depiction of Charles Foster Kane, who seems a tyrant, but also feels pain and is alone by the end of the movie.

My favorite character was the would-be singer, Susan Alexander. The truth is, she can't sing at all, in fact she's terrible. She makes a goddamned mockery of not only the opera she performs in, but of everything she claims to be interested in. Charles Foster Kane wanted to fuck her, though, so now she gets to be a part of the opera.

Gmail chat with one of my best friends

goes like this-
me: hey jho
miss u luv u
where u
how u
Jeff: i been callin u
me: WTF
Jeff: where u phone be
called u earlr
me: 2day?!>?!?
Jeff: and u kn no1 ansewred
yea
me: fuk
dunno
2bhnest aint herd dat fone rng n lng time
mayb broke
let m3 chk
LOL fone brk
or our telephone has been disconnected
Jeff: wtf
me: plugged into phoneline and power, no signal
Jeff: how imma suppoed 2 talk
fuck
me: now i have to get afuckn celli
Jeff: got a new ufl team
its called TEAM 5
me: heartbreak with the old members?
Jeff: weve been practicing everday
me: OH SHIT
you're doin it jho, you're livin ur dream!

REVIEW - District 9

First, things I didn't like-

While it suited what the movie was trying to do, the shaky cam stuff was a little much a lot of the time. If they had just spent a little more time keeping things in frame, it would have been better.

The soundtrack had some good moments, but relied on the classic "3rd world country wailing" to carry most of the dramatic moments. Using wailing is cheap and lazy. It's too bad they used it in District 9; for me it was the only serious flaw in the movie.

Now on to the positive stuff-

The main character, who we see start off as a nervous bureaucrat who is given entirely too power in an attempt to migrate 1.5 million alien refugees out of Johannesburg, is transformed by the end of the movie. All the things you see him go through make his choices in the latter half of the movie extremely satisfying. He's an asshole during a lot of the movie but remains likable and his choices all make sense- they generally don't cater to the cookie cutter conventions that plague a lot of epic action movies. You end up screaming "FUCK YEAH" a lot.

The alien creatures look incredible and their history and actions in the movie are all given extreme thought. They aren't a noble race being fucked over by humanity just because it suits the direction the movie wants to go. They are being fucked over by humanity, but they are shown to be savage and it appears that a great deal of them aren't very intelligent, just like humans. I got close to feeling like the government/corporations were being a little too evil, but I kept reminding myself that the world is actually a really fucked up place and that the scenarios presented aren't unrealistic. If the wailing soundtrack hadn't been present to make it so apparent that what you are watching is supposed to be harrowing, this aspect would have been perfect. As it is, it's great, but I see openings for people who would like to attack the depiction of human action against the aliens as being over the top.

The production design and everything about the slums of district 9 is completely convincing. The alien weaponry and technology isn't flashy, it's effective and fucking awesome.

Pretty much everything about the movie pulled me in and I was consistently excited to see what happened next. It wasn't predictable, it didn't give a fuck, and I forgive the shortcomings because they don't detract very much from what is overall the most interesting and exciting movie to come out in a long time.

I hope it continues to make a lot of money and brings some change to the current climate in the movie world where catering is king.

Neill Blomkamp obliterated the norm and for that he is my current hero.

GG Peter Jackson

To Pass The Time - Sphere

I am going to write about watching the movie "Sphere" as I watch it.

I am sleep deprived and not sure what drove me to watch "Sphere". I saw it as a kid and remember thinking it had some cool stuff in it, and the basic idea is pretty appealing. I apologize in advance for this entry's writing, which I'm not being careful with.
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Plot - When a 300 yearold spacecraft is found at the bottom of the ocean, Dustin Hoffman and his rag-tag team of scientists are called upon to investigate. They find a big sphere and it's spooky.

Impression of the first 40 minutes-

It starts off with a credit sequence that uses a shitload of effects on the credit text, as well as old drawings of spooky sea creatures. The sequence feels overblown. Elliot Goldenthal's score is pretty effective at setting things off spooky.








Opens to Dustin Hoffman in helicopter flying over the ocean to what he thinks is a plane crash. He is a psychologist and apparently gets called into plane crash sites to help people cope, but the helicopter pilot spooks him by implying there is no plane. He arrives to a naval fleet and learns that one of his old reports (a report he faked his way through in order to further his career) is being used as a guide on how to handle potential first contact with an alien race. Because his report was based on his favorite sci-fi books, Dustin Hoffman is joined by his brilliant goofy scientist friends, each a master of their field. Sharon Stone plays the life expert, Samuel L Jackson plays a math expert, and Liev Schrieber plays a physics expert. They all have a past together and seem more interested in their history than the world changing mission they are about to go on.

I don't feel like trying to explain more of the plot, because I have to move on. All the actors do a pretty good job, though Sharon Stone tries way too hard to come off as a brilliant scientist, though her lines don't help much. The biggest problem is the dialogue between the team... they don't seem like brilliant scientists at all... lines like "so you're saying this ship took a wrong turn?" coming out of characters that supposedly earned their first PHD at 18 sounds real stupid. The characters are all pretty cheesy and lame already, but it's all fun enough to drive a pretty compelling idea.

Sharon Stone really stuck out as being the one who seemed the least like a scientist. Her lines all come out sounding so lame. Liev Schrieber is pretty annoying too. Samuel L Jackson and Dustin Hoffman get off easier because they are the most naturally charismatic of the 4 of them. There is some govt officer hanging with them too, but he seems like a throwaway. Oh yeah, Queen Latifah is there too, hanging out at home base and not terribly involved.





There's an annoying sequence where, after discovering the space ship is American and from the future, Sharon Stone finds the last log. Of course when she touches it, a ridiculously detailed hologram explodes around them and makes them ooo and ahhh at the majesty of the future technology, and they see that the ship was swallowed by a black hole. The sequence reminded me a lot of the last sequence in Mission To Mars, where the alien is showing the M2M team how Mars died in ridiculous hologram fashion. Sequences like these are so fucking stupid.

02
03
04
05









NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT CARE ANYMORE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE

Bullshit Words and Phrases - Issue 1

Maybe with some time to mature and a little bit of patience, I can reach a point where this stuff won't bother me. I have a feeling that it will only get worse over time.
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THE WORDS "SIMPLY" and "LOVELY", BONUS POINTS IF USED TOGETHER

"I simply had a lovely time."

The only person who can say this without bugging the shit out of me is an aristocratic woman, not born in the US, who is stunningly beautiful.

Acceptable. "I simply had a lovely time."

Even just a lady, irregardless of looks, as long as she's rich and pampered.


Acceptable."I simply had a lovely time."


Here's the real problem. A man of any kind. No matter if he's rich, pampered, foreign, gay, straight. Doesn't matter.


Unacceptable."I simply had a lovely time."

If you aren't a woman that qualifies as a socialite from a country that is not the US, you should probably not use the word. "Lovely" is one of those words that tend to replace more accurate words such as "beautiful", "pleasant", and "enjoyable" in order to add an elegant or regal tilt. Unless you were born into an incredibly wealthy family and have lived an exclusively pampered lifestyle, using the word lovely to describe anything other than your lover pretty much guarantees you are full of shit.
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