REVIEW - District 9

First, things I didn't like-

While it suited what the movie was trying to do, the shaky cam stuff was a little much a lot of the time. If they had just spent a little more time keeping things in frame, it would have been better.

The soundtrack had some good moments, but relied on the classic "3rd world country wailing" to carry most of the dramatic moments. Using wailing is cheap and lazy. It's too bad they used it in District 9; for me it was the only serious flaw in the movie.

Now on to the positive stuff-

The main character, who we see start off as a nervous bureaucrat who is given entirely too power in an attempt to migrate 1.5 million alien refugees out of Johannesburg, is transformed by the end of the movie. All the things you see him go through make his choices in the latter half of the movie extremely satisfying. He's an asshole during a lot of the movie but remains likable and his choices all make sense- they generally don't cater to the cookie cutter conventions that plague a lot of epic action movies. You end up screaming "FUCK YEAH" a lot.

The alien creatures look incredible and their history and actions in the movie are all given extreme thought. They aren't a noble race being fucked over by humanity just because it suits the direction the movie wants to go. They are being fucked over by humanity, but they are shown to be savage and it appears that a great deal of them aren't very intelligent, just like humans. I got close to feeling like the government/corporations were being a little too evil, but I kept reminding myself that the world is actually a really fucked up place and that the scenarios presented aren't unrealistic. If the wailing soundtrack hadn't been present to make it so apparent that what you are watching is supposed to be harrowing, this aspect would have been perfect. As it is, it's great, but I see openings for people who would like to attack the depiction of human action against the aliens as being over the top.

The production design and everything about the slums of district 9 is completely convincing. The alien weaponry and technology isn't flashy, it's effective and fucking awesome.

Pretty much everything about the movie pulled me in and I was consistently excited to see what happened next. It wasn't predictable, it didn't give a fuck, and I forgive the shortcomings because they don't detract very much from what is overall the most interesting and exciting movie to come out in a long time.

I hope it continues to make a lot of money and brings some change to the current climate in the movie world where catering is king.

Neill Blomkamp obliterated the norm and for that he is my current hero.

GG Peter Jackson

To Pass The Time - Sphere

I am going to write about watching the movie "Sphere" as I watch it.

I am sleep deprived and not sure what drove me to watch "Sphere". I saw it as a kid and remember thinking it had some cool stuff in it, and the basic idea is pretty appealing. I apologize in advance for this entry's writing, which I'm not being careful with.
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Plot - When a 300 yearold spacecraft is found at the bottom of the ocean, Dustin Hoffman and his rag-tag team of scientists are called upon to investigate. They find a big sphere and it's spooky.

Impression of the first 40 minutes-

It starts off with a credit sequence that uses a shitload of effects on the credit text, as well as old drawings of spooky sea creatures. The sequence feels overblown. Elliot Goldenthal's score is pretty effective at setting things off spooky.








Opens to Dustin Hoffman in helicopter flying over the ocean to what he thinks is a plane crash. He is a psychologist and apparently gets called into plane crash sites to help people cope, but the helicopter pilot spooks him by implying there is no plane. He arrives to a naval fleet and learns that one of his old reports (a report he faked his way through in order to further his career) is being used as a guide on how to handle potential first contact with an alien race. Because his report was based on his favorite sci-fi books, Dustin Hoffman is joined by his brilliant goofy scientist friends, each a master of their field. Sharon Stone plays the life expert, Samuel L Jackson plays a math expert, and Liev Schrieber plays a physics expert. They all have a past together and seem more interested in their history than the world changing mission they are about to go on.

I don't feel like trying to explain more of the plot, because I have to move on. All the actors do a pretty good job, though Sharon Stone tries way too hard to come off as a brilliant scientist, though her lines don't help much. The biggest problem is the dialogue between the team... they don't seem like brilliant scientists at all... lines like "so you're saying this ship took a wrong turn?" coming out of characters that supposedly earned their first PHD at 18 sounds real stupid. The characters are all pretty cheesy and lame already, but it's all fun enough to drive a pretty compelling idea.

Sharon Stone really stuck out as being the one who seemed the least like a scientist. Her lines all come out sounding so lame. Liev Schrieber is pretty annoying too. Samuel L Jackson and Dustin Hoffman get off easier because they are the most naturally charismatic of the 4 of them. There is some govt officer hanging with them too, but he seems like a throwaway. Oh yeah, Queen Latifah is there too, hanging out at home base and not terribly involved.





There's an annoying sequence where, after discovering the space ship is American and from the future, Sharon Stone finds the last log. Of course when she touches it, a ridiculously detailed hologram explodes around them and makes them ooo and ahhh at the majesty of the future technology, and they see that the ship was swallowed by a black hole. The sequence reminded me a lot of the last sequence in Mission To Mars, where the alien is showing the M2M team how Mars died in ridiculous hologram fashion. Sequences like these are so fucking stupid.

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT CARE ANYMORE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE

Bullshit Words and Phrases - Issue 1

Maybe with some time to mature and a little bit of patience, I can reach a point where this stuff won't bother me. I have a feeling that it will only get worse over time.
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THE WORDS "SIMPLY" and "LOVELY", BONUS POINTS IF USED TOGETHER

"I simply had a lovely time."

The only person who can say this without bugging the shit out of me is an aristocratic woman, not born in the US, who is stunningly beautiful.

Acceptable. "I simply had a lovely time."

Even just a lady, irregardless of looks, as long as she's rich and pampered.


Acceptable."I simply had a lovely time."


Here's the real problem. A man of any kind. No matter if he's rich, pampered, foreign, gay, straight. Doesn't matter.


Unacceptable."I simply had a lovely time."

If you aren't a woman that qualifies as a socialite from a country that is not the US, you should probably not use the word. "Lovely" is one of those words that tend to replace more accurate words such as "beautiful", "pleasant", and "enjoyable" in order to add an elegant or regal tilt. Unless you were born into an incredibly wealthy family and have lived an exclusively pampered lifestyle, using the word lovely to describe anything other than your lover pretty much guarantees you are full of shit.
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Early Memories

FIRST MEMORY EVER

I remember the first time I considered a memory. There's no way to know for sure, but it must have been around 3 or 4 years of age.

I was crawling around the living room of the first apartment I ever remember living in. As I crawled past the couch, I scratched my eye and got pretty freaked out. It began with a fear of having hurt my eye, which I knew was delicate, but by the time my mom had arrived to take care of me, my fear had turned to something else. Somehow the trauma of scratching my eye caused me to think "What happened yesterday?"

I realized I didn't know what had happened at all. I knew my name, I knew my parents, I knew that one time my mother gave me a delicious red cookie, and I knew I had just scratched my eye. That was it.

Of course the thought process behind all that was much more abstract and from the perspective of a 3 or 4 yearold, but that was the basic thought process. I had no idea what had happened before I scratched my eye, and that scared the shit out of me. I remembered things after that.

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FIRST SOCIAL INTERACTION EVER

A little later, probably aged 5, I had my first day of preschool. I was fucking terrified. I did not want to go at all, and I was angry at my mother for getting a job and not being able to stay home all day with me.

A woman took my hand and led me immediately out to the playground, where I was still crying. There were a lot of kids out there and I went into a sideways tube and curled up.


An asian girl came by and asked me why I was crying. I said "I want to go home", so she sat down and held her hands up on an imaginary wheel and pretended to drive the tube like a car. She turned around and said "You are home now!"

I stopped crying, got out of the tube, and tried out climbing a jungle gym for the first time.

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FIRST NEGATIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION EVER

Probably around a month later-

Could you believe that it was a field trip? We were all going to go out to Dairy Queen to get ice cream, and I had to get a form and money from my parents so I could go. This day also happened to be "bring your toy" day, so I had brought a red race car (I had no interest in cars but it was hefty and metallic and at the time I thought it was the most impressive toy I had)

It looked a lot like that, but older and without an RC antenna. I was so overjoyed at being able to bring my toy AND get ice cream that I decided to spin around in circles, arms out, still holding my toy. A girl walked into my path and I unintentionally hit her in the head with the toy car. She cried and told on me. The teacher punished me by not letting me go to Dairy Queen with everyone else. I sat alone in the classroom for awhile, and when they got back, they all had ice cream while I was in a corner.

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LESSONS LEARNED

That asian girl was awesome and remarkable kindness does exist.
Morons will blindly walk into your happy storm so be careful.
Never ever forgive the teacher who kept me from going to Dairy Queen. Ever. Bitch.

Bathroom Bullshit

EDITOR'S NOTE

First, before I start, let me get this out of the way. This post is not meant to attack people with obsessive disorders. If there's one thing I understand, it's that sometimes, you have to do something even when you know it makes no sense.

Now that that's out of the way, this post IS meant to attack baby men who have no self respect.

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In the office building where I work, there seems to be a germ epidemic. It seems that every time I go number 2, some guy comes into the stall next to me and spends about a full minute preparing a toilet paper cover to protect his bottom from whatever scum is on the seat.


These men aren't my coworkers, just the people in other office suites. I've noticed a few things that seem universal amongst these guys.

They are always wearing khakis.


Once they've entered the bathroom and before they get to the stall, they tend to make a lot of weird breathing noises that seem completely fucking innappropriate for a work environment.



Oddly, once they've gotten to the stall (maybe once they've realized I'm in the stall next to them) they become extremely quiet.



So with those common attributes, there are a few different options for what exactly is going on with these guys, and here are some of my thoughts on it-

1. These guys are absolutely terrified of shitting. They wait forever to go to the bathroom because doing so is terrifying. Once they get to the bathroom (where I try and take a normal shit in peace, a little vacation from my workday) they are worked up trying their hardest not to unload some turds into their khakis, causing them to breath like dogs.

Actually, those are my thoughts on it. They are afraid of shitting, afraid of public bathrooms, afraid of germs, afraid of being offensive. I started this post off being irritated about the time it took these guys to create their little toilet paper seat cover but now all I can think of is the awful snorting noises they make coming in.



PS - toons4biz, fuck you

Pure venom, rage that flows

FUCK THIS PRINTER.

HEY RICOH AFICIO 3500 I'M TALKING TO YOU

The name of this printer is "Aficio", which I assume is based on the word "Aficionado"

Aficionado - a person who likes, knows about, and appreciates a usually fervently pursued interest or activity

I am fervent about my printing, and the only thing that stands in my way is the fucking RICOH brand Aficio 3500. I would be a printing aficionado if not for the fucking Aficio 3500. You ever try and print a manually double sides 160 page document only to have it eat 4 sheets of already printed paper 5 times in a row, completely destroying each batch? I know I have I HATE IT I HATE IT

Seriously, why the fuck does RICOH corporation (from Japan) use so much spanish sounding words for their company? Ricoh, like Johnny Rico from Buenos Aires, ready to take on the bug hordes who destroyed his home town. Except in this movie Johnny doesn't jump on the back of a tank bug and shoot the fuck out of its shell and shove a mini-nuke into the soft orange-y guts, he fucking blows his brains out after some of his tricky documents are continually fucked up by the Aficio 3500.

Oh jaysis. Imma go walk into the sun and catch on fire and be reborn.

I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK

I just wanted to talk about Coffee for a little bit.


This is the machine that gives me my coffee.


These are the packets I put into the machine that gives me my coffee.


Breakfast Blend. This is the most popular flavor at the office.


As you can see, it has a strength (or force) of Two Coffee Beans.



This is Sumatra flavor. It is my favorite. Can you tell why?



It is my favorite because it has a strength (or force) of SIX Coffee Beans. (I've never seen a packet with SEVEN Coffee Beans!!!)




Pictured above is the coffee machine's control panel. You can choose "Full Cup" or "Half Cup". I'm not exactly sure what "Half Cup" does, but I believe it still uses all of the strength (or force) as a "Full Cup". That got me thinking.



What if I used the "Half Cup" setting on THREE Sumatra packets? That would be a strength (or force) of EIGHTEEN COFFEE BEANS.



So I load my first Sumatra packet into the machine.



It gives me a half cup of coffee with a strength (or force) of six coffee beans.


This is the second half cup, approaching a strength (or force) of TWELVE coffee beans!


This is the last packet! THIS CUP OF COFFEE WILL GIVE ME THE STRENGTH (OR FORCE) OF EIGHTEEN COFFEE BEANS!!!



This is the best cup of coffee I ever had.